Warhammer of Emotional Messiness

I am now over  halfway through my radiation treatment. I am happy to report that I am no longer taking any opiod medication. Over the last week I have been able to come off of the morphine and oxy without issue. The excruciating pain I was in just a few weeks ago is now non-existent. This means the radiation is working and the tumor is likely shrinking.

I am having some fairly standard side effects from the radiation and chemo pills. Fatigue has set in and I am pretty much able to sleep on-will but it never feels like enough. Nausea has also decided to show up. During my six months of chemo I did not throw up once. Well during the past weeks I have thrown up at home, in multiple vehicles and at work. I apologize to the few poor souls that had to witness one of these events. I always have barf bags at the ready now. They compliment my extra supply of poop bags nicely.

I am going to be open and honest about my current experience. This week I have been hit with the Warhammer of Emotional Messiness. I'm going to go ahead and claim it as another side effect. Much like my sleep, I have been able to cry on-will. I have had depression issues in the past but that never really made me a blubbering mess. Through out my cancer journey I have remained relatively calm and stoic. This week I cried one day on the radiation table. I cried at a sad song. I cried when I had a bag leak. The best part of it all was when I met with a palliative care doctor on Monday. I thought I was just there to talk about pain management and to make sure I was doing okay coming off the medications. Instead I sat in a room with the doctor, a nurse and a chaplain for an hour discussing my entire journey. It was a group therapy of sorts and I was the main attraction. We talked about my support system, my end of life preferences, grieving the loss of my pre-cancer life and all the other fun stuff one finds themselves discussing with strangers on a Monday morning.

I know I use humor to deflect the seriousness of my situation and that will continue to serve as useful tool. Having the Warhammer of Emotional Messiness smash down on my rather large noggin has perhaps given me a new tool. From last spring until November I was focused on the step by step process to get rid of the cancer. When I was told in December that I still had cancer I had little time to process the news before the physical pain took over. Now that pain is gone and I guess it's time to deal with a different pain. Don't worry. I will laugh at myself every time I cry over (literal) spilled poop.

Thanks everyone for your continued support. I really appreciate the company I have had on my daily trips to Denver. I'll do my best not to throw up in your cars but if you put on some mournful country ballad I will cry in your cars.